HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
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Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.