Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
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I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
happy mother’s day❤️
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
This probably isn’t good
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’