Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
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Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?