so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
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Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Always a metermaid never a meter
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Heroic Misunderstanding
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.