***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
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Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
¯_(ツ)_/¯
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.