My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
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Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Me if I was a dog
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure