Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
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[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.