Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
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(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.