my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
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when there are deer in the woods
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
We like the way Dwight thinks
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂