A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
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Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to