I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
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Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything