Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
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Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Sell your car
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.