“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
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“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Don’t we all.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?