I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
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card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??