Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
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College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
getting corrected
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
✌🏽
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
looks legit
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what