Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
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Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
This is a bad sign
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.