This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
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[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
My blood type is b hungry.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact