when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
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Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
When you’ve simply given up.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?