me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
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I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.