I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
You Might Also Like
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
shit just got real
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.