If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
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I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678