[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
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The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind