you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
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Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”