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Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
I just ran a .003048K
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off