clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
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[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Meme Monday.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job