Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
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Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE