Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
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This probably isn’t good
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
this is funnier than any friends episode
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Every haunted house movie:
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.