I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
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ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too