ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
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I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.