My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
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[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.