I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
You Might Also Like
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.