I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
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“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born