My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
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“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Spa day..😅
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello