BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
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What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes