‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
You Might Also Like
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
I can’t deal with men any longer
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol