Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
You Might Also Like
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Dance like you’re not the father
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Home #decor warning.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm