GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
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how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse