Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
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No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.