*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
You Might Also Like
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
ugh not again
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.