called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
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me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids