We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
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Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Roses are red, you always mattered,