I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
You Might Also Like
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
The only equipped I am is ill.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
The A string on my guit_r is flat
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where