Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
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New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.