Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
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Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
girls literally only want one thing..
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare