Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
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i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
WHO DID THIS?
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.