MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
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Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8