i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
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People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God