me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
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My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”