If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
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Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past