Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
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We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
*seductively corrects your posture*
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Girl, same.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.